Let Me Fade
by antidoesfanfiction
Summary: After her first day back from undercover work at Sealview, Olivia is tense and rather elusive about her emotions. Only one person could possibly understand the pain she was bottling up inside the pit of her soul.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Dick Wolf stole my idea!!! J/K**

**Caution: This is just a nice little one-shot that I think would totally rock. **

**Storyline: After her first day back from undercover work at Sealview, Olivia is tense and rather elusive about her emotions. Only one person could possibly understand the pain she was bottling up inside the pit of her soul.**

Olivia sighed as she slowly cracked open her eyes. It was 6:30 in the morning. She really didn't want to get out of bed after the ordeal she'd went through just 4 days ago. Yeah, it was tough and scary could possibly be the understatement of the year, but it had also all suddenly became so real and far more graphic than anything Olivia had ever remembered in her whole life.

She lay in her bed, staring up at the ceiling; praying. Praying her hardest, that maybe, just maybe, everything inside her mind could just subside and left her forget. For even an hour would be like a gift from Above.

She gripped her hands into two tight fists and closed her eyes. Liv didn't want to…Didn't want to fall back on those dark moments. Remembering…Being haunted by what could have been…Would she ever get better? Why couldn't she seem to gather her thoughts, or even share them? Olivia didn't want to go on feeling like she was locked inside her own head and her own fear.

Yeah, it'd been 3 days of seclusion in her house; barely eating a thing at that. Rewind. Revise. Renew. That's what she was doing. She was suppose to be okay today and damn sure didn't feel the part. Hopefully she would look the part so Cragen wouldn't notice her and Elliot and Munch wouldn't slam her with questions just as hard.

"Ohh…Come on Liv, you can do it girl." She murmured to herself, then finally sitting up in her rugged bed.

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He knew what happened and knew it was hard. But it wasn't very like him to get all woman-like and showcase what were called "emotions". But, he wanted her to know that he cared and that he'd always be there whenever she wanted to open up.

But would she ever..?

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"Liv." Munch, Fin, and Elliot nod as she walks into the precinct and hangs up her jacket.

"Guys." She nods quickly and heads for her desk as unquestionably as humanly possible.

"Say Liv how about we go out after work?" Detective Stabler implies quietly, glancing over at her helpfully.

"No thanks El I've got some stuff to take care of at the house." She nods with a polite smile.

"You sure? Maybe I can help." He responds, lowering his head.

"Thanks but you wouldn't be interested…Oh and El?" Olivia calls to him as she slides an arm under her chin to prop her head up.

"Yeah Liv?" his eyes widen a little.

"Don't worry about me."

"Liv I was just—"

"You were just checking; I get it. But newsflash: I'm okay…And for the record people, nothing happened to me at Sealview!" Olivia Benson teases as her voice grows louder after every few words.

While Olivia and Elliot swap playful puns with each other, Munch and Fin observe.

_She's not okay, she needs help. Am I the only one who sees this? _He thinks as he glances over at his partner and then back at Benson and Stabler.

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It had been a decent day. John and Elliot nabbed some scumbags for kiddie porn while Liv and Fin worked on a domestic violence beating and rape. The victim wasn't dead but she took a beating so brutal that she had undergone facial reconstruction surgery.

By the time they'd gotten back from the hospital with the victim, Gloria Taylor's rape kit and statement, the precinct was damn near empty. The only ones left besides Fin and Liv were John and Captain Cragen.

"Hey John. Where's Elliot?" Olivia asks.

"Family emergency." Munch responds.

"Oh, is he okay?" she wonders out loud.

"You think you've avoided me enough for the day? Olivia, my office; now." Cragen instructs as Fin and Munch look on. Reluctantly, Olivia drops her coat over her chair and follows her boss into his office.

"How is she?" Munch questions after they're both out of earshot.

"Hectic, but in denial. She needs some counselin'." Fin shakes his head as he sits across from his partner/ newfound best friend.

"You try to talk to her?" Munch continues prodding.

"Tried to. But you know her, doesn't wanna talk, bullshit's you out of it." Fin sighs. It had been days since the incident and after everything, Liv still hadn't spoken with the one other person who knew every single detail about what happened.

"Sounds like she's suppressing it; erasing it from memory maybe." Munch says as he stands up slowly, preparing to head for home.

"Which wife did you experience that with?" Fin smirks, looking up at his buddy.

"Oh wife number 3, how she never fades from memory. She had a miscarriage and was the same way for a year." Munch smiles, sliding on his coat.

At that very moment, Olivia and Cragen come out of his office. She's wearing a rather annoyed face while he looks concerned for her.

"You guys still here? Reporters are gonna start thinkin' we live here." Olivia jokes before an awkward silence can creep in.

"We're leavin' now. You look like you could use some shut-eye yourself." Munch glances at her.

"Never mind me Munch, I think I'll live." Liv rolls her eyes.

"Yeah right; you've been on people's asses all day, includin' ours." Fin intercepts.

"Alright kids we can battle this out all night, or we can go home and sleep like the rest of the population. Your decision, not mine." Cragen interferes.

"Do we really have a choice?" Olivia turns to look at him as he walks past her.

"No." Cragen sighs, putting on his coat.

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"…Damn them." Olivia murmurs to herself as she slides into her apartment and flops on her couch.

She felt like crying. Or maybe just screaming. She couldn't wait to find and grill the guy who tortured and raped Gloria Taylor. And oddly enough, one of the potential suspects looked surprisingly like the man who…

The man who tried to rape her.

But he didn't. That's what should've mattered the most. And she knew just because some random New Yorker looked somewhat like that man…It didn't mean anything. It was just nerves. Nerves. All inside her head maybe.

Peeling off her jacket and kicking her shoes off, Olivia sinks into her couch until she's half-way asleep. Before she falls completely unconscious, her phone begins to ring and vibrate inside her pants pocket.

"HELLO?" she breathes into the phone heavily, sitting up after rummaging for her phone savagely.

"Liv, you alright?" he asks on the other end of the call.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine, really…Um, what's up? It's late." Olivia calms down, starting to twirl strands of her hair around tow of her fingers.

"Look, I know it's late but I figured it's some stuff we need to get off our chests." He responds, almost embarrassedly.

**Ultimately, this is a one-shot people. I just didn't wanna put it all in one chapter, but I gonna finish this thing once and for all in chapter 2 **

**Make sure to review m'kay? **

**Seriously, that would rock my soxx.**


	2. Chapter 2

She cracked the door open for him and paced around her kitchen nervously. Oh God, what would she say to him? What could she say to him? _I think I'm gonna have a heart attack. _She wasn't sure she could talk to anyone of the human species, let alone a male, about what was going on in her head. He'd think she was overreacting, seeing as the rape never happened.

"Hey, what's goin' on? You look like hell." He asks as he lingers into her apartment slowly.

Spinning around quickly to face him, she knew as soon as she looked at him that she wanted him. He understood her. He would console her. She was instantly nervous.

What if he thought she was just another basket case?

"Hey, listen, about earlier today—"

"It's fine Liv. I know you're freakin' out. I just wanna know why you won't talk to me about it."

"Fin look, really I can't talk to anyone about it. No one gets it." Olivia replies sheepishly.

"I was right there when that bastard was about to do it! If it doesn't get any clearer than that then somethin's gotta be wrong." Fin sighs.

"No, nothing's wrong Fin. I just—"

"Then talk to me." He cuts her off, walking closer to her.

"Fin." Olivia shrugs, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Liv, please." Fin moves in closer.

_Why won't he leave it alone?_ "Why do you care so much about it?"Thinking rapidly fast and intensely, Olivia wraps her arms around Fin quickly and kisses him softly.

"_Oh my God…" _she realizes in the middle of it. _"Fin's gonna freak…What he hell was I thinking?" _

Dazed and confused, Fin leans into her ear and whispers, "Why shouldn't I?"

"I don't know what to think anymore." She sighs, hugging him close.

"Liv…It's okay. I know you'll be okay; you're a tough chick." He murmurs, then kissing Olivia this time.

"I'm not feelin' so tough these days." Liv sighs, almost ready to cry on Fin's shoulder.


End file.
